I may not always be very deep on this blog. However, this post is a look into my heart. I must warn you now that it isn’t a happy side of my heart either. I do not want to have to write this post. I never thought I would even have to say these words. I expected to write a joyous post about marriage before I would ever write out a post like this. I don’t even want to think about this. Yet, I know that it is something that I must share.
As of Saturday Donny and I are no longer together.
Typing that out….seeing those words hurt me very much. Getting through typing this post is not easy for me. I am already tearing up. I know that in times like these where I have to explain that God will give me strength. That no matter what he has a plan .
Yet, I still do not understand. At times that statement is a yell with streaming tears. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!! At other times it is simply a cry of help…i do not understand. I am caught off guard. I am lost. In less than a 5 minute conversation it took for the last 2 years and 3 months to seem to just vanish away. I do not understand.
I have no regrets. I am not that kind of girl. I will keep the pictures, the memories, the jewelry, the clothes, and every special moment that we had. I know that the Lord brought Donny into my life for a reason. I also know that I learned a lot through dating him. Both of us have grown so much since the time we had just starting talking and flirting at Marie Calenders. We both changed so much since that day. And maybe, just maybe we did not change as a whole. Maybe what he said was true. Maybe God is showing us different directions.
I am hurt, confused, angry, broken, lost, and sad. Yet, I know that I am strong. I may not feel like it right now or tomorrow or the day after that. But I know that God will get me through this time of heart ache. I do not know what the future holds. I do know that Donny and I had our issues (what couple doesn’t?) I know that we both still needed to grow. We obviously were not growing together so now we must grow individually. Maybe we will come back together. I do not know. I do not know what happened to make this decision come about. I feel so lost. The planner inside of me is going haywire. I do know though that no matter what God has someone out there for each of us.
I must now be patient (which I am not so good at). I must now have faith (which I am even worse at). Here I stand with Christ alone and he will hand my heart to the next man who comes seeking him to find it. He will help me make it whole again.